In fact, I hate being alone. Anywhere, in my home, in the grocery store, in an empty office. Even taking time for myself. I think I've forgotton how to enjoy my own company. I need human touch. I need to feel the warmth of another person next to me. I need to be hugged. I need conversation. I need someone to talk with, someone to argue with. I need the presence of another human being.
The smell of his skin.
The familiar tone of my sister's laugh.
The way my mom smokes her cigarette and blows it up into the air while watching TV.
Children fighting.
My Uncle Ted cooking fatty bacon in his boxers.
My dad at the mouth harp[playing it very well].
My brothers playing horseshoes.
Arguments at reunions.
My bitchy old Aunt.
My sister giving me advice I don’t need.
And a great big juicy hamburger off the BB-Q.
I need it all.
Without it, I am alone. My mind takes me to far away places. Sometimes they're silly. Sometimes they're places I don't want to go. I need more friends. I don't need more television. I need human companionship. I'm not one of those people who can disappear for hours by herself. I'm not one to venture out into the city all alone for a day. To sit solitary, still and quiet in a movie theater.
I remember how it felt to eat lunch alone sometimes in univarsity. Everyone else buzzed around me as I sat at my empty table. I always brought something to read. I knew I couldn't face it otherwise. I couldn't sit there and look around at everyone. I couldn't meet their eyes. Because I was alone. And in my head that made them better than me.
I'm not sure why I hate being alone so much. Because I know that we're all alone at some point in our lives. We're born alone, solitary beings. And eventually we find a special person, have a family of our own. Yet in old age, so many of us find ourselves alone once more.
Somehow, we all make it work. Why can't I?
When did I become so afraid of myself? When did my mind take this hold on me? I think learning to be with yourself--and only yourself--is a vital part of living. Learning to be completely independent, soul, mind and body, is very special. And maybe it takes a lifetime for some people. Maybe it took my grandmother most of her life to learn to live alone. Or maybe she knew how all along.
Maybe she was perfectly happy with her little dog if she had one, her nice community, her Harlquin Romance novels. Or maybe she wasn’t. Either way, I know she missed my grandfather. I know she never stoped yearning for that essential part of her life. I know she always longed for that human touch.
I realize that I need to learn to be alone. I realize that I need to accomplish that before I can settle down with someone, before I can move on with my life. But I also realize that companionship is a fundamental need. It's crucial to my happiness, crucial to who I am at my very core.
In 10 years, I could be the strongest, most independent woman in the world, but that won't change this one fact:
I need people.
Teresa.
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