Listening to God

My lover quickly jokes that I am nonresponsive at times by creating a noise echoing with his hands to his mouth...schhhhhhhh... it sounds exactly like the snow you hear on a television station that has no signal. Meaning I have no signal, no brain activity. I think it's hilarious when he does this so I have a rebuttal concerning my lack of brain activity when I apparently have no signal. Read the following chapter I found in a book called "The Everyday Science Of Everyday Life" by Jay Ingram. I will now tell him that I am listening to God as I believe God created the universe however I respect that scientests believe otherwise.

The Big Bang on Cable © Jay Ingram 1989
(Used with permission by Mr. Ingram personally)

The next time you find yourself in front ot the television set looking for entertainment, throw away the TV guide and find a channel where there’s absolutely nothing on (yes, yes I know that’s most of them), a channel where there’s nothing but snow. Or if you’re idly scanning through the stations on your car radio, turn to the high end of the FM dial, somewhere around 108 MHz, and listen for the hiss in the space between stations. Once you’ve found it, you can revel in the unbelievable fact that your radio or TV is giving you a glimpse of the beginnings of the universe.

The snow on your TV set is just electric noise, a disorganized collection of unrelated photons-particles of electromagnetic radiation-flooding the antenna itself. Three or four percent of those photons have been flying around outer space for fifteen billion years or so, having first appeared a mere three hundred thousand years after the Big Bang, the explosion that began our universe.

The idea of the Big Bang is not an easy one to come to grips with. You have to start with the idea that the entire universe that we can see from the earth today is expanding: all the galaxies, and indeed clusters of galaxies, the billions or even trillions of stars in each of them, and the gigantic swirling clouds of dust and gas are all rushing away from each other at fantastic speeds. And they’re not fleeing to empty corners of the universe-space itself is expanding. The analogy often given is that the galaxies are like raisins in a rising loaf of bread. They’re moving away from each other because the dough between them is expanding. Obviously, if when we look out into space today we see everything rushing away from everything else, it’s reasonable to suppose that a long time ago everything was closer together that it is now, and the further back in time, the closer together it was. Physics dictates the the smaller and denser the universe was billions of years ago, the hotter it was. So if you extrapolate back far enough in time, like reversing a film, you come up with the entire universe crammed into a tiny ball that’s so hot and dense that it defies modern physics. That ball, however it came into being, exploded outward. The explosion is now called the Big Bang, and we’re living in it’s aftermath, the expanding universe.

The universe having begun as an object that’s too hot and too dense for explanation, cooled and expanded rapidly enough that even within the first small fractions of a second, it had assumed a form that physicists can comprehend. Even so , for hundreds of thousands of years it was still too hot for atoms to form, Because the moment the parts of atoms, principally the protons and electrons, formed tentative bonds, they were torn apart-they couldn’t withstand the agitation caused by the heat.

As long as atoms couldn’t form, the particles of light, the photons,were trapped. They’d travel a tiny distance only to be deflected or absorbed by free-floating electrons. Light went nowhere at that time, even tough there was lots of it. Astronomers describe this as the era when the universe was "opaque": everywhere bright, but nothing to see.

However, about 300 000 years after the Big Bang, there was a history-making event, the scientific equivalent of "Let There Be Light!" The temperature of the steadily cooling universe suddenly reached a point where protons, neutrons and electrons could stick together and form atoms. Once they did, the photons were suddenly free. There were no more loose electrons to intercept them, so light could travel in unimpeded straight lines, as it does today. That’s when your TV-set photons got their start.

The temperature of the entire universe at this point was about 3000 degrees Celsius, roughly the temperature of the filament in a light bulb, and the particles of light that were set free reflected that: they had the very short wavelengths typical of photons released from a hot object. (The most common example of this process in and element on an electric range. As it heats up, its colour changes because the radiation coming from it has shorter wavelengths. Even when it’s cold it’s radiating, but the waves are so long, you can’t see them.)

Since that time, fifteen billion years ago by current reckoning, a lot has changed. Because the universe has been expanding steadily, the waves of these light particles have been stretched out proportionally. Very short when the universe was relatively small, they’re now very long-wavelengths more typical of the radiation that would be produced by something very cold rather than something hot. That’s exactly what astronomers discovered in the mid-sixties: no matter where you look, the universe appears to be filled with the kind of radiation that would be produced by an object that’s only three degrees above the lowest temperature possible, absolute zero. That’s what’s happened to the photons released in that momentous event three hundred thousand years after the Big Bang: what was an explosion of light that filled the universe has become nothing more than a cold, faint, invisible glimmer.

But the photons continue to rain down on us. It’s estimated that there are five hundred thousand of them still left in every liter of the universe, and given that travel at the speed of light-they are a form of light, after all, several hundred trillion of these will pass through the palm of your extended hand every second! There’s no risk to you, of course- this radiation has an intensity of only one ten-millionth of a hundred-watt light bulb. But it is still enough to produce a few pops and crackles in our radios and television sets. However you pick up your television signal, whether by satellite, cable or just plain old aerial antenna, it has spent part of its time traveling through the air in the form of photons. When you tune in a channel, you are selecting photons that are traveling in concert in waves of a specific length. No matter what television station you are tuning in (and on some FM radio stations), some of the photons from the Big Bang have just the right wavelength that a few of them contribute to the radio hiss or the television snow. Right in your living room there is real evidence of the Big Bang.

While this cosmic background makes up only a tiny percentage of the snow or hiss. And while it is admittedly a pale shadow of its original awe-inspiring splendor, it is commercial-free and perfectly suitable for family viewing.

Jay Ingram is a science writer raised in Canada, he now resides in Toronto. He has taught at Ryerson Polytechnical Institute after earning a B.Sc. at the University of Alberta and a M.Sc. from the University of Toronto. His writing has earned him two ACTRA Awards as well as the Royal Canadian Institute’s Sanford Fleming Medal for popularizing science. Jay Ingram has also been the host of a popular radio show "Quirks and Quarks" he has published 8 books and is currently the host of the popular TV science series, Daily Planet which is seen on the Discovery Channel.

I must have been angry.

I came across this hand written note this morning. I must have been very angry when I wrote it. I remember my EX accusing me of flirting and making unappropriate sexual comments in a chat room. It’s taken me forever to type this out. I think it’s funny now but I thought I’d share none the less. It's dated July 16th 2003.

Ira:

Thank you for allowing me to have such a wonderful evening after we fought last night before you left. I'll say you certainly got what you so desperately sought.

I believe that I am a valuable person who deserves to be treated with respect. Is it possible that your jealousy might act as a source to one of the plethora of social perceptions you were taught to defend yourself? I'll take a stab here: it could have a use that pulls in ideas of vulnerability. We might be jealous because the object (in this discussion, me) that has some interaction with a third party (being anyone in Chat). I shouldn't’t have to fear talking to any third party without you accusing me of being romantic with them. It's an interesting proposition that the emotion of jealousy/possessiveness -- in this narrow context of romantic love is not necessarily sinful or ethically wrong unless it is taken to extremes! I was strongly considering that crossing the privacy line is just me being too "private a person", not you being a clearly jealous and suspicious person.

This jealousy is not a function of possessiveness; rather, it stems from something we think of as part of us, and the event that causes the jealousy brings that connectivity into doubt. I know you have connections to other females and that is fine however, it seems to be acceptable for you to carry long telephone conversations with them. That’s fine, I don’t care…apparently you are assuming that I am doing the same. It would be none of your business to whom I choose to talk to. This thing makes the whole thing much more bitter to me, I don’t do "that" and to have you assume that I do builds resentment.

You seemed to be distracting from the issue last night (avoidance is a form of verbal abuse) and covering it up with accusations (verbal attacks). I have tried to be understanding, I have tried to believe that it may have been the alcohol but, you have displayed this behavior a few times previously and I am quite concerned of it. Seems to me that first of all, you've been working on boundaries for me and secondly, that you have perhaps a hard time trusting your own boundaries. You have no purpose or personal right to be questioning my conversations in a public chat room I feel like you’ve been disrespectful of my boundaries. I refuse to defend myself to any man when my intentions are honest, my intregrety is true and my morals are intact. You accuse me because I am attractive and in your irrational beliefs that automatically means that I'm promiscuous. "Of course that's wrong!"

That at all clear Ira Dear?
Congratulations you aroused me allright.

I so like the fact that my ex is illiterate and he couldn't pull an articulate thought from his peabrain. It's a wonder he can speak with syllables and I bet this note confused him.

Usual Rant

Alright, So if I have learned anything in the past week, It's that I've become very good at faking a smile, I have a bubble that has a small maximum capacity and when that capacity has reached it's limit I get annoyed. Me + Bank Card = no goodness whatSOever. I procrastinate just a teeny bit too much. I also either majorly overstate or understate things ie: I majorly understate when I say "teeny", it's usually code for "A WHOLE INFINITY-SIZED LOT". I suck at lying once I open my freaking mouth, I hate people who chew with their mouth open, earwigs and bad breath. Hicks just piss me off when they try to be intellectual, I’ll roll my eyes loudly at them. I reinerated how much I can’t stand doing the dishes so much that I can’t even find myself loading the dishwasher. I hate malfunctioning lids of coffee cups from Timmy's and snow. Oh ya, and when will I ever learn to use my time wisely and save myself the stress of day-before disaster-outbreaks?

I need to find my limit, or more correctly.... when I get to the place that I know is my limit, I just just need to quite frankly STOP. That goes for everything from drinking to shopping to giving favors to popcorn to jumping jacks, just everything.

Crap.Hope your week has been better.

An Open Window

Headlamps of a locomotive bathe the surroundings in front and onto my slumbering walls in bright light. My neighbourhood is quiet at this hour, with most residents hunkering under warm blankets. It’s just spring and the trees have started wakening from winter. There is great anticapatation for the returning song birds who have just started to nest in our new backyard trees. I open my window and listen to their morning song. The cool air rushes down my nightgown and onto my feet. The morning is filled with long distance commuters with whirring wheels on highways within minutes from each other. I stretch my legs in the coolness, shiver and take in a fresh breath of air. I wonder about the songs I hear and how little birds can stay warm. I glance to that unstained wooden fence beyond the pond that in the glow of the locomotive I see a shimmering paper thin layer of ice covering the surface like a blanket, keeping the new life below protected. I think that beyond that fence on the other side, might be a far better place. I hear how they share laughter and I see the glow in their eyes for the loving embraces and the child growing inside her. The gentleness to the hand, touching her as she accepts with a smile. Between that wooden fence and my back yard is where I find my mind. A pond and some big pink and grey rocks that shimmer in the sun. The green grass is alike to finding in a mountain-top meadow, newly planted red maples, alder and grey fur trees with a grey pea gravel path incircling everything like warm arms. There are wooden benches to sit and contemplate the meadow, the fence, and whatever beauty and wonder that lives on the other side. This side of the fence is where you find me.Tea is poured from a kettle. I stare to the doorway not touching my toast recalling the open window. The cool air can only make it warmer within those four walls.

Originally written March 2005.

Is everybody's life on hold or is it just me?

Marcel Marceau says, "It's good to shut up sometimes."

This is the beginning of the rest of your life. Well, that's what they tell you anyways. But who are they to tell you when the rest of your life really begins? Isn't every morning that you wake up to a new day the beginning of something? Isn't it funny how you don't realize how far you've let things go until you've nearly reached the edge? Isn't it funny how you can tell yourself a lie over and over again until one day you almost believe it yourself? Almost but not quite making it harder for you because belief in something anything, is what you've always desired. Belief can be unattaintable when you don't even believe in yourself most days and when unstable, unanswered questions riddle everything you try to believe in.


Why do I tell myself that it's fine when I know that the more I tell myself that it is, the more it isn't, and the more I let it happen? Even after I post this I know I'll put that mask back on and walk out this door and be that woman to do those things that, that mother does. Act happy and almost be happy... almost but not quite. Twelve years is a long time when you say it, but live it and then you'll wake up one day on a Thursday morning in February and ask, "Where the hell did the time go?" How the hell did I do this for this long and not even realize that one year, then two, then ten and twelve have gone by. I've gone through 3 childrens lives... a relationship that I barely even enjoyed, now realizing I never wanted to be in in the first place. All the while having nobody to really know who I am and what bothers me and what I hate and love about myself. What's gonna happen if I die tomorrow, having all the people I know in my life think that they know me, when in reality they never did? The idiom refers to finding something that is hidden in a mound of information that appears virtually impossible to find. I have found somebody who seems to "get it" right about me more times than he’s gotten it wrong. He lives too far away from me, he really sees me and I appreciate being who I am now to him, now in this moment.

I think I'll go to the library today.