I must have been angry.

I came across this hand written note this morning. I must have been very angry when I wrote it. I remember my EX accusing me of flirting and making unappropriate sexual comments in a chat room. It’s taken me forever to type this out. I think it’s funny now but I thought I’d share none the less. It's dated July 16th 2003.

Ira:

Thank you for allowing me to have such a wonderful evening after we fought last night before you left. I'll say you certainly got what you so desperately sought.

I believe that I am a valuable person who deserves to be treated with respect. Is it possible that your jealousy might act as a source to one of the plethora of social perceptions you were taught to defend yourself? I'll take a stab here: it could have a use that pulls in ideas of vulnerability. We might be jealous because the object (in this discussion, me) that has some interaction with a third party (being anyone in Chat). I shouldn't’t have to fear talking to any third party without you accusing me of being romantic with them. It's an interesting proposition that the emotion of jealousy/possessiveness -- in this narrow context of romantic love is not necessarily sinful or ethically wrong unless it is taken to extremes! I was strongly considering that crossing the privacy line is just me being too "private a person", not you being a clearly jealous and suspicious person.

This jealousy is not a function of possessiveness; rather, it stems from something we think of as part of us, and the event that causes the jealousy brings that connectivity into doubt. I know you have connections to other females and that is fine however, it seems to be acceptable for you to carry long telephone conversations with them. That’s fine, I don’t care…apparently you are assuming that I am doing the same. It would be none of your business to whom I choose to talk to. This thing makes the whole thing much more bitter to me, I don’t do "that" and to have you assume that I do builds resentment.

You seemed to be distracting from the issue last night (avoidance is a form of verbal abuse) and covering it up with accusations (verbal attacks). I have tried to be understanding, I have tried to believe that it may have been the alcohol but, you have displayed this behavior a few times previously and I am quite concerned of it. Seems to me that first of all, you've been working on boundaries for me and secondly, that you have perhaps a hard time trusting your own boundaries. You have no purpose or personal right to be questioning my conversations in a public chat room I feel like you’ve been disrespectful of my boundaries. I refuse to defend myself to any man when my intentions are honest, my intregrety is true and my morals are intact. You accuse me because I am attractive and in your irrational beliefs that automatically means that I'm promiscuous. "Of course that's wrong!"

That at all clear Ira Dear?
Congratulations you aroused me allright.

I so like the fact that my ex is illiterate and he couldn't pull an articulate thought from his peabrain. It's a wonder he can speak with syllables and I bet this note confused him.