Is everybody's life on hold or is it just me?

Marcel Marceau says, "It's good to shut up sometimes."

This is the beginning of the rest of your life. Well, that's what they tell you anyways. But who are they to tell you when the rest of your life really begins? Isn't every morning that you wake up to a new day the beginning of something? Isn't it funny how you don't realize how far you've let things go until you've nearly reached the edge? Isn't it funny how you can tell yourself a lie over and over again until one day you almost believe it yourself? Almost but not quite making it harder for you because belief in something anything, is what you've always desired. Belief can be unattaintable when you don't even believe in yourself most days and when unstable, unanswered questions riddle everything you try to believe in.


Why do I tell myself that it's fine when I know that the more I tell myself that it is, the more it isn't, and the more I let it happen? Even after I post this I know I'll put that mask back on and walk out this door and be that woman to do those things that, that mother does. Act happy and almost be happy... almost but not quite. Twelve years is a long time when you say it, but live it and then you'll wake up one day on a Thursday morning in February and ask, "Where the hell did the time go?" How the hell did I do this for this long and not even realize that one year, then two, then ten and twelve have gone by. I've gone through 3 childrens lives... a relationship that I barely even enjoyed, now realizing I never wanted to be in in the first place. All the while having nobody to really know who I am and what bothers me and what I hate and love about myself. What's gonna happen if I die tomorrow, having all the people I know in my life think that they know me, when in reality they never did? The idiom refers to finding something that is hidden in a mound of information that appears virtually impossible to find. I have found somebody who seems to "get it" right about me more times than he’s gotten it wrong. He lives too far away from me, he really sees me and I appreciate being who I am now to him, now in this moment.

I think I'll go to the library today.